moments of sanity

The strangest thing happened today. I was offered a job. No that isn't the strange part though to many of you that in itself is(understandably) a miracle. The strange part is, after what seems like a lifetime (though factual evidence says a year) I am now officially over a defeat that had knocked me out cold.

The past one year has helped me put alot of things in perspective. I now realize what it feels like to be abandoned. The past year my life went on without me. I was nothing but a mere spectator, watching as people and events took decisions for me. I felt numb, hollow and dead inside. I could no longer bring myself to care about anything that happened to me or others. I could see with startling clarity the pointlessness of existence and the sheer waste of it all. Dress up? But why what did it matter, search for a career what's the point I'm not going to get anywhere anyway! And so on.. Everyone I met tried to help in their own little way. There were those who claimed it to be the institute's loss, there were those who said I was making a huge fuss over nothing (i still don't have the faintest clue how their intentions were good but all the same..), then there were the kind few who acknowledged what I had lost and patiently held my hand, promised me there would be more opportunities and encouraged me to do some soul searching. Of course as is the law of nature for every such individual there were the people who chastised me and told me to work harder and deserve it. I felt like the world had stopped and nothing made any sense anymore.I lay lethargic in my bed(figuratively speaking, of course) trying to discover the spark that carried me forward before everything fell apart. I blamed myself, I worshipped the institute even more and I felt even more useless. I drifted around flirting with various career paths never being able to stick to one, mainly just being led.

But today a year to my own personal tragedy I sat in an auto pumped up, adrenaline rushing through my veins trying to think up ways to split myself into 3 persons so that I could do all that I desired at the same time, when I suddenly realized I was making a move, I was deciding and I was trying , finally I began to take control of my life again. Once I got home the lethargy began to spread once more but atleast for those few brief moments I was abe to once again taste the thrill of ambition..and for that I am thankful

ps-written when i was EXTREMELY sleepy, forgive me for the rambling

I'll drink to that!

It’s that time again folks!

The past two days have been extremely interesting to all those casual observers out there. Again it was that time of the year when otherwise normal people go out of their way to make the last few days of the year ‘matter’. Suddenly there is a surge of sold-out cruises, exotic holidays and of course those sudden visits/phone calls to a certain someone. An old friend separated by the distance perhaps or maybe an old friend separated by a long forgotten/forgiven tiff; a distant aunt maybe, or even a close cousin.

What is it about the ending of a year that sensitises each one of us to that ticking clock, painfully ticking away the hours, minutes and seconds of time before everything we know, as we know it, ends? Perhaps it is the painful realization that there slips another important slice of our lives lost forever, doomed to exist only in our memories embellished by weak recollections and wishful thinking. Or maybe it has more to do with our inherent fear of the unknown, over here the unknown being our future and whatever it brings with it. It might be our natural response to the unknown, aligning our surroundings with familiarity and all that we know and thus trust. Whatever the reason maybe, it stirs in us an urgency to make a desperate lunge for those times and those people with whom we had made, possibly, the best of those beautiful memories. The beauty of it is that for the duration of that brief phone call or meeting we actually are transported back into that lovely place where we made those memories before...before life took over as it so cruelly tends to. As both of us bask in the magic of a friendship rekindled we feel it’s warmth wash over us. Never mind the fact that its effect will probably wear off before our heads hit our pillows. For that brief moment life, once again, begins to make sense.

The knowledge that the past isn’t completely lost. That feeling is probably what keeps a lot of us sane throughout the year. And so holding on to reassuring ties and subtle promises of allegiance we face the new year and all that will come with it. All based on a gamble, if things work out, we’ll be ready to abuse yet another year around the same time, if not c’est la vie!