Finding Myself

Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other. ~Carol Saline

I couldn't have put it better myself! When I think of my life(which is all I seem to be doing these days, something about an empty mind and devil's workshop) and all the people I believe I should thank/blame for making me the person I am today(which isn't much to begin with) a tiny voice inside me dares to be so bold to suggest, well they weren't indispensable, you could have done it without them. But could I? Yes people come and people go, someone always manages to fill the gap, but don't the people who never leave mean something? It's strange how you spend your whole life trying to establish an identity of your own, trying to prove you are "different" from the rest of the family only to realize everything happening to you has already happened to someone else and they have been watching you the whole time as you make the mistakes they made and learning from it just as they have.

Recently I realized this was the story of my life. Realization is actually quite rude and revels in jolting one out of one's comfortable state of denial. There I was wallowing in self-pity cushioned by the belief that life had been uncharacteristically unfair with me and my current state was not my fault but just cosmic unfairness. I even had myself convinced that this was probably some sort of karmic repayment for sins I know not of.

As my friends around me watched me become a perpetual Scrooge(for want of a better word) and wondered what happened I sank further into an interesting combination of self loathing and self pity. Initially I refused to talk to them preferring to be left to my own devices and later they found that I now was a good listener and used me as a sounding board for a wide assortment of problems,opinions,ideas and discoveries. I heard them never really caring about what they were saying trying to lose myself in their lives so that I may escape from mine. It worked temporarily but when their drama was over the void inside me grew. Unfortunately I succeeded I really did lose myself but only once I did I realized I needed to find myself if I was to survive. I went to the friends in whom I had originally lost myself looking for answers, unfortunately it was the person I was with them that they remembered and not the real me.

It was then that I found the guidance I was looking for in a place I did not expect. But before we get to that a little background info.Theoretically I have one sister and 2 cousins, however for all practical purposes I have 3 siblings. I have spent a good part of my life striving to establish a different identity from the rest of my well meaning if slightly annoying family. Following that trend I did not think to turn to them in my search for myself. So imagine my surprise when a conversation with my sister, over a cup of coffee, a treat for something I do not remember, turned into n evening of revelations. I found the guidance I had been searching for. They say,"A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words". This is what that conversation did. I realized I hadn't lost myself just misplaced me.

Now knowing where to look I have begun to find myself. The people to thank? My siblings..for caring enough to guide me, search with me, make me confront my problems and proving to me that Nothing was out of my reach.